The “Aha” moment for me was last year while trying to help my Twin Flame, Beau, on a project for his college class. To back up a bit and give you some background, I want to explain a little about my childhood. When it came to relationships, I had learned through my parents as well as inadvertently making maladjustments to living in response to unmanaged Empathic abilities, to have relationships is to have utility in them. The reason for this was because in my house emotions were not discussed. My parents never said the words “I love you” and we really weren’t allowed to discuss our feelings unless it was a screaming match to let the other know about our opposing opinions, which occurred every day. I had learned to close myself off to those around me for the most part and I think now that was because I felt too much of others and it was painful, especially within my family. So the only way I knew to make friends was to find a “need” that they had in me or me in them. Mostly though, I never wanted to need anyone, I wanted to be needed. This is what really caused a problem in my relationships as I couldn’t see myself fitting into anyone’s life passed the need that I thought I could provide or fulfill. I understand now that I did not even value myself enough to see that I could be a friend without being needed or maintaining a friend to fill a need. Over the years this has caused a great disconnect with family as I really never took the time to get to know my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, etc and only knew them through my parents eyes, which was not any more logical than my perception of what relationships should be like.
With that said, My romantic relationships really were difficult and 2 marriages later I was still struggling as I put 150% of myself into the other person while failing to attend to my needs. Honestly for a long time I did not even know what my needs were never mind any goals because I had lost myself so much so that I couldn’t have told you what I wanted unless I was with someone at the time and that answer would reflect their goals and interests.
So one day last Summer, in the effort to fulfill my role as the “Knight[ette] in Shining Armor” I had offered to create Autism Bracelets to help save “Beau” from disaster as he forgot to pull together some extras for his Speech which was due the very same day. I had never previously made any bracelets before but I was determined to help so much that none of the consequences of doing this had ever been considered initially. First, I was working all day and second the offer to help may be impeded by work or the fact I had to have this task complete in 3 hrs and I was 1 hr away from the school campus. Not to mention, I never made bracelets before! So following a run to Hobby Lobby at lunchtime I ran to my office and began to set the office up so that if anyone walked in I could hide things immediately. That in it of itself was a task because I needed immediate access to all materials as I was building the bracelets. All the drawers to my desk were opened so I could sit things inside and have access easily.
I worked with the bracelets in my lap behind my desk as fast as I could but my fine motor skills were clearly lacking as I managed to loose grip of the elastic string and fling beads numerous times all over my office. I must have gotten up 100 times from my seat, hands and knees on the floor, picking up all that had fell to the floor as I figured out how to make this work! At one time, I was picking up materials from the floor when the housekeeper, who always fails to knock first, came rushing in the door to get the trash. I never moved so fast and felt bad when I lied and told her that I had broken my bracelet. I was now trying to make sure I didn’t get caught doing this while figuring out WHY THE HECK AM I DOING THIS??!!
It was 2hrs into this seemingly impossible project when I fell into tears and thought that I needed to call it quits and text Beau to tell him that I couldn’t do it. His class was at 430pm and it was then 230pm. I had only made 7 bracelets after running out for some Super Glue to seal the knots and needed 17 more! How was I going to manage to make them in 1 hr what took me 2 hrs to complete less than half of that! As silly as it may seem, I had decided I was not going to give up and kept working as hard as my fingers would work. I never realized how difficult this small fine motor task would be for me but I knew if I ever wanted to get into jewelry making I had better learn. I began to think about all the things that I have thrown my hands up with in my life. All the things I have given up because it was too hard, life around me was overwhelming and I guess I simply valued the time I put in others more than I ever did me. That’s when it hit me, as I wrapped up the last few bracelets and was preparing to leave I realized how crazy it was that I was working harder for another person than I have EVER, EVER had worked for myself! Unimaginable , isn’t it? I know many people couldn’t fathom how a person could neglect themselves as much as I had and at that time I was now becoming so conscious in the fact that if I had only pushed myself into my challenges like I did this I would be finished with college and doing the things that I love without fear. As I got into the car my thoughts of how I need to work harder for myself changed to how truly proud I was for being so determined and completing this project. In a race against time, I did make it to campus to the minute! Luckily my Twin Flame remembered my lack of time management and had me there 15 minutes earlier than he needed. Smart man.
I can tell you that after that day I have made it my full time job to “stay present” in my thinking, work on my fears and work hard FOR ME first. It was because of that little “aha” moment that I had successfully completed my Statistics class that same Summer after failing it twice and dropping out 2 more times previously. I pushed myself and didn’t give up. I also stopped helping others when it would mean neglecting my needs and responsibilities. Further, I have started pursuing my love for writing, facilitating a book club and Spiritual Classes at the local New Age store [despite my fear of performing in front of others], making jewelry and doing Intuitive Readings as I learn about my gift and learn to trust in it.
I truly now feel “free” to pursue my interests and goals, as I know what I want now, and give at least 100% attention to myself so I can help others when they need me. I have found the balance in doing that and have managed to develop better relationships with my family and friends. When you give yourself the time and energy that you deserve, then you don’t get frustrated with how you spend the rest of your time. I don’t think anyone could have really taught me this. It was truly something I had to become conscious of myself as I was pretty fixed in my ways, after 39 years. People say God or the Universe works” in mysterious ways” , I think it’s pretty funny it all started with bracelets.