After one night of throwing down some Sauvignon Blanc and having some nice long talks with friends I was able to pull myself out of the "sludge" enough and focus on my "daily business" without much problem but I was still having a hard time. I found myself trying to manipulate text conversations with Beau in the effort to give me , once again, some inclination of a future. Something more concrete. It's seem I can't get myself away from that thinking. I need something to continue this exchange with him otherwise I just want to move on. I want to cut strings so I don't leave myself hanging on and continue to torture myself. The thing is, it's my responsibility not to torture myself like it is for my own happiness. It's all a choice.
I also was reminded tonight about "staying present" instead of thinking forward into the future or too much into my past. I have practiced that a lot in the last 9 months or so but after my friend from the Holistic Ground site reminded me tonight when she said, " Love what is..." it hit me. There I am whining about the life I don't have and hanging on some incling of a idea that I may be able to escape this into something better. I need to focus on what it is I have now, be grateful and trust in the process that continues to unfold for me everyday. My friend and reader, Jasmine, also said this in the beginning of the month when she read my cards, "focus on what you do have". That my pain is truly something that I have created. The illusion that I am "without" is my own doing. Focusing on what I don't have just keeps that goal out of reach; that wish for a better life away.
I really am determined not to make these mistakes again. If I was not, this wouldn't even be a conscious thought!!! Thank you to my friends from my spiritual groups and my own "Inner Closet" ladies with all their great insight, laughs and support as they haven't let me "burn a bridge" yet and if I can help it I won't let them either. It seems with all I've gone through each one of them has already experienced it or is experiencing with me. The universe works funny like that.
I also want to thank my Twinflame, Beau for loving me even though I fight you on it every day. I know it's really me fighting myself. I am forever grateful for you; you are my best friend. I also want to thank my Soulmate. I hope one day he understands what I've been going through , these changes and I hope one day he finds his own happiness within.
Hanging here perfecting my CONSCIOUS IMPERFECTION.
Love & Light, LilyBelle