Ever said something to a loved one that you regret? Looking back I know I have said a few things to family or maybe to friends that may have stung a little. Back when I was younger if you were going to make your point you would be speaking to them in person and give them a chance to respond back to you. In doing that you get immediate feedback, that be negative or positive, and you then have a chance to hash things out in the open. While you are doing this it can become pretty uncomfortable because you are so full of emotion behind your words; feeling, hearing and seeing the emotion behind the person you are having the "exchange" with. Talking in person can be painful but it is that pain that helps to guides our words.
Many of us, especially women, get very frustrated with people who "dance around" a subject. Men can be particularly good at doing that and I will say that I am a bit bias as I am a woman but I think many would agree. As a woman, I find dancing around topics quite frustrating as I try to resolve issues amongst siblings or other important relationships. Sometimes I feel like i keep hitting the wall and other times I feel like beating my own head against the wall! How do you escape the dance and get to the issue? The thing is "dancing" is our way to avoid hurting someone. We all have empathy, some filter better than others, but all of us sentient beings here have empathy so that we can better choose our words, choose our actions and pick our battles. I think men are far better at picking battles than women are (did I say that?) as they are more focused on the "physical plant" of life (i.e. eating, working, paying the bills, fixing what's broken). Is that to say women don't? No, men are simply "wired" in that way and as we all know what is important to men is not always the same for women. So dancing around a subject is a functional way to avoid disaster in the communcation and relationships department.
Nowadays, our relationships and HOW we relate to each other is changing drastically. We are seeing that there is a higher divorce rate and being married at least 2x in your life is not uncommon. If you are into social networking you may have come across relationship statuses such as "It's complicated" or heard stories of married couples having open relationships, changing their relationship status by changing their social networking status FIRST or simply having affairs. We're struggling! We are all trying to figure out what is right and good in our lives while dealing with the fear of "letting go" at the cost of pain in doing that. The internet, social networking and TEXTING has helped us create the "illusion" of separating our feelings while delivering some pretty harsh words and actions to drive away a person or things we can't face directly.
The fact is though, we aren't really losing feeling when writing someone in text or online. We are only missing the feeling of the other person receiving the information in that moment before we hit "send". Having the separatedness in physical with the other person is allowing us to detach only very briefly to be able to take our red, hot emotions and deliver a message that we really couldn't deliver in person. All we may know in that moment is that we are feeling hurt or feeling some other disconnect that we have chosen is easier to give at a distance. Only, the feeling comes back later and knocks you on your butt. Either with their return message or with their silence. Now you are left to wonder what they are feeling or if what you sent was really your truth. You never gave yourself the chance to know as you removed the one thing that God gave us all to navigate our emotions and put them into words; empathy.
Consider these measures next time you are in a heated discussion via text, email or other communication that is not in physical with the other person:
1. Try to keep all conversations in text/email concerned with casual chat & meet ups.
2. Leave deep discussions for face to face or at least phone contact.
3. If you want to end a relationship following an argument give yourself time to calm down first; think it over and deliver it in person or on the phone.
4. Never say anything to anyone that you KNOW you can't say in person. Also think about what you want to say and imagine saying it to that person! Does it still feel right?
It's so easy to text a hateful or hurtful message and hit "send" before really thinking it through. It's so much easier to hit topics that are important to you but hard to say to the loved one in person, especially when you are criticizing them. That's the function in it really, you know you can hit send and then it's too late. You have already sent it and try to detach from feeling their emotion. They are likely to return a message to you that is equally as hurtful; both not feeling responsible by not being there to see, feel, hear the pain of the attack. At least not yet..
Think about it. If we as humans could trust our impulses and our emotions when they are red hot, then government would not have put security measures in place to protect us from launching nuclear missiles on the brink of war. It's far too easy to press a button from across the ocean!
In the Wiccan/Pagan tradition, they have a ritual for marriage; "Handfasting" and for divorce; "handparting". In every relationship you should begin and end with love. Let whatever you HAVE to say be guided by love and use the "check and balances" that God gave us to guide it by letting our empathy do it's job.
Love & Light,
Lily Belle
Many of us, especially women, get very frustrated with people who "dance around" a subject. Men can be particularly good at doing that and I will say that I am a bit bias as I am a woman but I think many would agree. As a woman, I find dancing around topics quite frustrating as I try to resolve issues amongst siblings or other important relationships. Sometimes I feel like i keep hitting the wall and other times I feel like beating my own head against the wall! How do you escape the dance and get to the issue? The thing is "dancing" is our way to avoid hurting someone. We all have empathy, some filter better than others, but all of us sentient beings here have empathy so that we can better choose our words, choose our actions and pick our battles. I think men are far better at picking battles than women are (did I say that?) as they are more focused on the "physical plant" of life (i.e. eating, working, paying the bills, fixing what's broken). Is that to say women don't? No, men are simply "wired" in that way and as we all know what is important to men is not always the same for women. So dancing around a subject is a functional way to avoid disaster in the communcation and relationships department.
Nowadays, our relationships and HOW we relate to each other is changing drastically. We are seeing that there is a higher divorce rate and being married at least 2x in your life is not uncommon. If you are into social networking you may have come across relationship statuses such as "It's complicated" or heard stories of married couples having open relationships, changing their relationship status by changing their social networking status FIRST or simply having affairs. We're struggling! We are all trying to figure out what is right and good in our lives while dealing with the fear of "letting go" at the cost of pain in doing that. The internet, social networking and TEXTING has helped us create the "illusion" of separating our feelings while delivering some pretty harsh words and actions to drive away a person or things we can't face directly.
The fact is though, we aren't really losing feeling when writing someone in text or online. We are only missing the feeling of the other person receiving the information in that moment before we hit "send". Having the separatedness in physical with the other person is allowing us to detach only very briefly to be able to take our red, hot emotions and deliver a message that we really couldn't deliver in person. All we may know in that moment is that we are feeling hurt or feeling some other disconnect that we have chosen is easier to give at a distance. Only, the feeling comes back later and knocks you on your butt. Either with their return message or with their silence. Now you are left to wonder what they are feeling or if what you sent was really your truth. You never gave yourself the chance to know as you removed the one thing that God gave us all to navigate our emotions and put them into words; empathy.
Consider these measures next time you are in a heated discussion via text, email or other communication that is not in physical with the other person:
1. Try to keep all conversations in text/email concerned with casual chat & meet ups.
2. Leave deep discussions for face to face or at least phone contact.
3. If you want to end a relationship following an argument give yourself time to calm down first; think it over and deliver it in person or on the phone.
4. Never say anything to anyone that you KNOW you can't say in person. Also think about what you want to say and imagine saying it to that person! Does it still feel right?
It's so easy to text a hateful or hurtful message and hit "send" before really thinking it through. It's so much easier to hit topics that are important to you but hard to say to the loved one in person, especially when you are criticizing them. That's the function in it really, you know you can hit send and then it's too late. You have already sent it and try to detach from feeling their emotion. They are likely to return a message to you that is equally as hurtful; both not feeling responsible by not being there to see, feel, hear the pain of the attack. At least not yet..
Think about it. If we as humans could trust our impulses and our emotions when they are red hot, then government would not have put security measures in place to protect us from launching nuclear missiles on the brink of war. It's far too easy to press a button from across the ocean!
In the Wiccan/Pagan tradition, they have a ritual for marriage; "Handfasting" and for divorce; "handparting". In every relationship you should begin and end with love. Let whatever you HAVE to say be guided by love and use the "check and balances" that God gave us to guide it by letting our empathy do it's job.
Love & Light,
Lily Belle
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