Wow. It has been a while since I have written anything. In my journal or
here. There just has been a lot going on within my family and things I have had
to sort out for myself. I have also been trying to adjust to Beau’s leaving but
in doing that I realize I am no better with this as my new skill is to learn to
block out instead of let in and let go. I may have mentioned that a number of
times but it’s something I continue to struggle with. One reason this is such an
issue is that our communication really is just a ping pong game except one of us
stops and holds the ball from the other; otherwise known as, stops
communicating. The other thing we do is that we tend to say what we think we
need to say to deflect from ourselves and our truth because of fear instead of
say what we should say; what should be so simple to say. It’s not just with Beau
though, this has been something I have been struggling with for decades but also
in the last month alone I have been faced with repeated opportunities to fix
The first agreement in the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Be
impeccable with your word”. That might seem like a simple task but when you get right down to it and you start becoming conscious of your thoughts leading up to actually speaking on the matter you may think otherwise. A couple examples may be a fight with your friend. You may have thought of what you were going to say. Perhaps you were going to apologize and perhaps you were going to acknowledge your part in the disagreement to make amends but when you faced your friend and they were still speaking through anger your ego kicked in and returned with nothing but anger and negativity. Have you ever thought back moments after you delivered a fiery verbal blow to someone and said, “Wow, I didn’t think I was going to say that.” or “This is not how I thought it would go.” If you haven’t then it’s time to start being more conscious about how you are feeling before speaking and getting to the bottom of what you NEED to say and not what your ego wants you to say. Does fiery words put us on top? Does it make us feel good? Does it resolve anything?
All this time being separated from my Twin I think about how much he is
missed and all the fun things we did together. When I am doing activities we use
to do I think how much I would love him to be there. That’s why it is
interesting to me that when he does write or text we somehow find ourselves
defending our negative feelings which comes from separation more than we are
declaring our love. Yesterday was one example where we focused on all the things we didn’t like about our situation and never said what we should have; our truth, “I love you”.
I see my failure in being impeccable with my word with my ex husband and Soul Mate too. Some of the most challenging situations where someone is pointing fingers or being negative toward you is where being impeccable is largely difficult. I find myself more times failing to be “grateful” for the positive things because my ego just wants to speak to the person about the things I am not happy about. I want to return their anger with mine in order not to seem weak and to defend my position. What I really should be saying is all the things I appreciate about them or about the things we share. Someone has to be the one to bring the tension down, otherwise, we stay in a state of misery and so does everyone around us.
My most recent experience with someone completely unrelated to me was a High Priestess (HP). I hold all of our Spiritual Leaders in high regard and expect them to behave as any of us should dealing with the public. You just can’t take things personally and you can’t make assumptions! This is the 2nd and 3rd agreements in the Four Agreements. I expect them to be the role models in being impartial, un-bias and just plain pleasant! Recently, I had communicated with this High Priestess to ask that some local events be posted in the circles announcements. In previous blogs I may have mentioned the tension that exists amongst the New Age community and I talk about this a lot in my journal. The HP assumed I was attacking her for not posting one group's events and her reply to my email, which was written in a very neutral, business-like manner, was quite defensive. She never made any direct “attacks” but took my email as an accusation and suggested we had an issue to be resolved. I knew what she was insinuating because I know the intent of the other “groups in question” that are spreading their negativity toward one particular faction among the New Age community. Still, I replied calm and collected although inside I was on fire and even a little part of me amused. I thought she would have held it together better than that.
So with that said, as much as I kept it together does that mean I was
impeccable? The reason I present this question is because inside I knew
what she was upset about. I stayed away from the subject and kept my position as
neutral as possible without appearing defensive. She, however, in a passive way, was defensive toward me and even called a representative of the group hosting the events and made some really ugly remarks. My emails clearly upset her as much as they were nice. Could I have written them better? Yes. Could I have made a better effort to make my intentions known above the obvious (events) and been more clear that I wanted nothing but cooperation among the groups and that I was not making accusations? Unequivocally , YES. The more “holes” I left in my intentions in the first email, knowing the tension between the groups here; the more that was left for her to make “assumptions” and take things “personally”.
You thought I was going to blame the High Priestess right? Well I hold them
to a higher standard than the general public as I mentioned but while I do that I have to hold myself responsible for my own actions that I have been working to become more conscious of in the last, almost, two years. Yes, she could have done a better job and yes, I could have cleared up my intent enough to extinguish her natural, human response of making “assumptions” and taking things “personally” based on only what information she knew. She knew there was tension amongst the groups. She knew I could be considering her latest actions as where her loyalties lie and she knew I was batting for “the other team” , only in the sense I was making a request in their interest.
Not all of our Spiritual Leaders are “conscious” and those of us out there who are working into being more conscious aren’t masters yet. I am for one not a master. I feel in one way being conscious makes me feel guilty because now I see the err in my ways. It’s such a process; such work. Still, I pulled myself in this last week to consider my responsibility in my conversations, however well intended I really was and for the parts that I was consciously aware of the weakness that existed of which I
was able to ignite a small flame. Was my intentions for writing her good? Yes. Was my word impeccable? NO.
So today, I am thankful , more than ever, that the Universe keeps giving me
chances to learn. They must still have faith I’m going to get all this right
Love & Light,