We always have this rivalry, this power play going on right up until…..well no we still have it happening. :) We are both Scorpios and neither one will stand-down to the other. We get along for the most part but she mostly just “puts a face on “ I think when she sees me in person to drop the kids off and I just let her do it. I am not really into arguing but when cornered, it’s like a raccoon , I come out with the claws and won’t back down until the predator has left the building.
So yesterday I left that Facebook status and then I felt bad I did but couldn’t decide what I felt bad about. I mean I guess it could have been that I called my kids a “half breed” but we always joke around about them being ½ Northern and ½ Southern. It could be because I also added the “don’t no, no better” , clearly attempting to correlate “poor English” with being Southern in an attempt to be funny. Then I continue to ponder over it and realize I feel bad because I didn’t get the reaction I wanted. Me? I probably would have reacted and usually my ex mother in law would have too. I know she saw it as she was online along with my other ex in laws yesterday. I am sure though that they will tell my ex husband.
I love my kids, of course, and I really don’t hold any grudge with my husband, honestly. I do have an issue with his wife, who is also a Scorpio , Catholic, Northerner. Yeah, he married the same chick twice except the second time around he got in even deeper than he did with me and with a woman who is so controlling she keeps him at home to make sure she always knows where he is at all times. I never went that far but I also learned that every time I am faced with someone that I have bad feelings towards it’s usually because I need to face something about them that I , myself, need to deal with. That is how our Divine Universe/Intelligent Design works. It really does know what you need.
So that brings me to Beau. Yesterday my daughter and I went to his house so he could help my oldest daughter do her speech. Beau is pretty good at speeches as he has had to lead soldiers for his job but I also know this because he took a speech class at the local college recently and did really well. So I knew this would be right up his alley.
So there we sat eating dinner first and discussing the ridiculous experience we had at the local Subway, Sandwich Shop. The personnel working there had really messed up our order but it was an older woman who happened to be from Germany. She was nice alright but clearly was just learning her job. Beau made a comment about how he would have yelled at the woman and made her feel bad for screwing up our order and that hit me. I thought, you know he really is so far behind me. He doesn’t get where I am or how to treat people. He really has to grow up and I made a comment about how his approach to the situation was awful and left the room. So I am sitting here thinking about our exchange while he is helping my daughter and I start to remember exactly who I was when I managed a store in the mall I worked in when I was Beau‘s age! I was a BITCH. I was good at delegating and getting the job done but I never really considered the person’s circumstances or feelings. At least not all of the time. I either didn’t care or I just was detached so much so that I was blissfully unaware which is how I was most of my life up until the last ten years. Years ago I would have never thought of this. I would have simply reacted to Beau and just stayed pissed off about it and it would have really shaped how I looked at him and set the tone for our relationship. We are SO MUCH alike. We might be in a slightly different place of “awareness” but just so much alike. I do appreciate that I am more aware , NOT PERFECT, but CONSCIOUSLY IMPERFECT.
To add to the lesson of the day, earlier, my friend, Kisaya, wrote a blog about how frustrated she is with life. She mentioned that she had goals to be far more spiritually developed than she is right now. She was disappointed that she isn’t’ there yet and added that her “friend”, being me, explained to her what a Twin-flame is and how they affect our lives. She stated that she felt I was ahead of her, “Spiritually” and that she didn’t really care to be competitive but just disappointed that she was not near that level. I replied to her in her blog because I couldn’t disagree with her more. I understand her frustration. It’s easy to start picking out the differences between yourself and other people more so when you are at odds with yourself. It doesn’t have to be in the form of negative judgments placed on others as I’ve mentioned before but also yourself.
I pointed out to her that she in fact IS like me. She thinks like me and she is so much on level with me because I struggle with myself every day. I think I am great at giving others advice but I am terrible at taking it and making it work for me. There is a distinct difference with “knowing” and “applying that knowledge. It’s a whole and complete other step and that is the step I am on now; trying to , as the old saying goes, “practice what I preach”. It is progress though, to realize and acknowledge the necessary change within yourself.
Every day I am thankful for my Soul mates (friends) and my Twin flame (Beau) for teaching me. It doesn’t matter if it is directly teaching me or inadvertently teaching by presenting circumstances that I must face. If it also wasn’t for me journaling and slowing myself down to be more “consciously” aware of my behavior and actions to reflect and “reset” myself, I would not be where I am now. My state of Conscious Imperfection with my Soulmates and Twinflame. I love you all. ~ Love & Light~ LilyBelle