So I called my mother today. If you don't know I was born to two parents who had a lot of mental health stuff. My siblings and I practically raised them it felt like or we were protecting each other. Mostly I was protecting my siblings. So I call my mother and I asked her how she liked ALL THE Senior pictures that were taken of my daughter. She starts with "Well I now I don't like this one and I know I don't like this one. This I don't like because...and that one because..." I said, "Ma....I asked you what YOU DO WANT. Not what you DON'T want. What do you want?" So my mother says, "Well what I don't like is this because of _______ and _______ so I'm sort of torn between...." I said, "ma.ok what is it you are torn with? Which are the ones you LIKE." "Well" she says, "That's just it I don't know. I like the smile here but don't want the graduation gown in it.." Ok ma so what is the other one you like?" Well I don't know like I said. "MOM....JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT WHAT YOU WANT WANT WANT. LOL
She was so frustrated with me. I said "Mom focus on what things you like, not what you don't like..come on."
She hung up after saying she is frustrated with all her kids. Well she is because she has never figured out how to be happy and how to change her life and SEE the positive things which there are. Even when she has choices offered to her of positive and good things she wont choose them. She doesn't think she deserves them? I dont' know but she won't listen to it. She is in her 70's now and she says she is too old to change. It's sad. She had a hard child hood and life and no matter what I say it doesn't resonate.
So then you know it hits me like why it is so hard to stay in that vortex and those thoughts but on the other hand how lucky I am to even be able to see the benefit of it at all and that I know it's good for me to find out what I do want and ALLOW that to come to me and try to stay away from negative thoughts or what I don't want. It's a blessing really when you have been raised to think otherwise.
My mother use to frustrate me but now in my 40's she just makes me laugh. Like it's cute in a way because she really doesn't mean to be negative. She really doesn't mean to be malice. She just doesn't know the difference. She will call back tonight or tomorrow and tell me again what she doesn't want want want.....and we will finally resolve it after an hour of talking about what she doesn't want and figure out what she does want. I will listen.
The Universe listens to us all the time. It wants to know what we WANT, NOT WHAT WE DON'T WANT BUT IT STILL LISTENS. It tries to send us what we truly desire but it still has to work through that cloud of what we don't want that hovers around us because we focus so much about it. Just as I want to send my mother what she wants I can't. I have to wait until she can figure out what she does want. She doesn't exactly know yet so until then I can't send a thing. The Universe is waiting for us too. Waiting for you to tell it what you WANT...what you WANT WANT WANT. Nothing else.
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